Avoidant Ramblings

truly feeling the need to put something of what I am feeling down onto cyber paper...flow of conciousness so much faster than with ink and dead trees.
today is a down day, and not one of those down days where I am running along with being down, more fighting and feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing. Instead I am watching episode after epsiode after episode of Buffy, and now I have run out...i don't know what to do. I've watched all the special features...don't really want to watch them all again...seems pointless really.
Things we are avoiding today...
-phoning the priestly people, come back from the jungle of Nicaragua today...about the funeral
-cleaning my ohh soo chaotic house (i cling to my ohh soo clean living room instead, cause it has the TV, with all the Buffy)
-phoning the eastern realatives, to thank them, for sorry's and sympathies, ohh and for the flowers
-thinking/talking/dealing with money...just not even going to go there right now
-doing some type, any type of school work...so I have something to hand in next weekend
-going through boxes of things that wern't but now are mine

-thinking about my mother...who is gone, dead, nothing but some ashes in a thick plastic bag stuffed inside a really expensive urn...

How did she suddenly become my mother. She used to never be my mother. She was always mommy, ocasionally mom(when I'm talking about her to someone eles). Now she is my mother. It seems so much more somber and important and grown up to say mother.
Though I am quite enjoying that I continue to tell stories of her like she was still here. My mom dose this, my mom likes that. NOT my mom did that, or liked this. Cause I am sure that where ever she is she still likes carpets, and still plays the guitar. I hope that dosn't ever change, I hope she never passes into the land of past tense for me. It would feel like she really wans't here anymore, or any where near me.

At least feeling avoidant feels familar. I know how to be avoidant, I'm really good at it. I am not sure I know how to feel grief striken, never really done that before. So we will just live in avoidant land for awhile. Not ready to go back to real life just quite yet...not today at least. Definatly in need of some more Buffster...