Memorial Plannings

Spent all day today looking for a very small glass vial, filled with wonderful smelling black powder, envoking Hecate. Covered in dust, shoes covered in crushed glass, large bleeding wound staining my jean leg, and several hours later...no smelly black powder. Lots of pictures from my childhood; snig and arse-cheap european assasains; smiling happy photos of my parents with me as small child; tiny blonde shining face pearing from white porcaline bathtub.
Talk of memorial gathering today...who to speak, what to say, who knows. Ferry times are ridiculus for getting to the island, especialy for people flying from far away. Hours and hours to wait before the actual event. M wants to go disk golfing. It's so silly and inane I might just do it.
Took my mother out of her plastic bag the other day. It felt like she had finaly come home. Started reading about death in my pagan kid books, it made me feel better. A combination of death, pagan kid books, and witchy Willow are making me want to be pagany all of the sudden. Incantations, tools/toys, costumes...all creativly leading me towards a more spiritual path. Wishing my life was more deep. I read my mom's writings and I can barley follow them, they are so in depth and existential. Feel sometimes like my life is all about sleeping, "can i help you?'s", and chocolate ice cream. Not fullfilling much. More living is needed here.