Self Imposed Lonliness

Feeling lonely today, there are so many things I need to do in my life right now, and all of them must be done alone. This is not out some silly self sacrifce thingy, nobody eles can do them for me (like get a mortgage, yucky). I am also sitting alone at home tonight, having told everyone in my life that I needed sometime weekend time to recopoerate from my life...and here I am feeling lonely. Self imposed self-reflection today...
I am missing my mom today. I dreamt of her last night. She was at the house on P, and she was in her coma and there was no one there to look after her. It was snowing. I kept trying to get there to look after her and I couldn't. All day I have kept thinking about snuggling with her in the hospital/hospice in her hospital bed. I think I am missing the physicality of her, more than her. I went downstairs today (somewhere I have been avoiding while keeping that a secret from myself ) and acosted her big, fluffy, terribly yellow, bath robe. It smelled like her. I cried, which was good, I needed that. I havn't cried in awhile. No fucking time. I am pre-menstrual and feeling like stuff is coming to the surface. Not bad stuff, just stuff. I am feeling way more open to myself.
Ohh well, onto feeling lonley again...my shoulders hurt from sitting in front of the computer, there is no-one to phone who wants to talk to me right now and I miss my husband (such a silly thing really, this sudden intense comfort I take in him) Perhaps I will go to bed, but that will only bring about the inevetibility of everything that needs doing...sigh...