Should have's
Tiny points of loss begining to surface. Moments in the day not remembered later on. What thought, or smell, or sound, or sentence triggered the thought of loss...what was the thought about...all that is remeberd is that they were about her, and the sense of loss is rembered to.
They are not heavy points, these moment of loss, just small, scattered through out the day, lasting only a few seconds before life continues on. Only a few seconds of actually feeling loss, and then back too the knowledge that all is right with my world.
My only question...will these tiny points become brighter, larger in my life. Or will they continue on this way, small upstirings from my inner self somewhere. I have this feeling that grief is an instinctual response of the psyche, like breathing is of the body. Grief will fade (has faded), but those little moments of loss, they will last a lifetime. Part of being human.
Other thoughts, stranger and darker, surfacing in hidden ways, night time stirrings of deep feelings. Feelings of abandonment. But for me, not of having been abandoned, but of being the abandoner. Not doing enough, not being there enough, not doing all I could. Not to save her, but to be there for her. Remeberances of being frusterated, should have been understanding, should have set myself aside and just been there. Should have snuggled with her more, near the end. Should have held her...held her here. Unfair to think that. Many "should have's" coming to the surface. I don't quite know what to do with them. Yes, silly, I know, but still real, no less potent simply because they are not true. I know I did enough, I know I held her enough. My heart dosn't know it yet. How to make my heart understand, not something the heart does easily. How to let these "should have's" come, to expereince them, to let them go. Dreams bring them here, from those secret places within me, but dreams can not help me to release these gulity thoughts. I am glad that I am dreaming about her...
posted by Brie @ 10:46 am
1 Comments:
I find it difficult to understand how final death is . . . not like a stretch of land that goes on forever holding some trace of dwellings trees spirits that once were there . . . the taurian quest for a lovely concret physical manifestation . . . the harsh notes of permanence in our very impermanent existance. Perhaps because I spoke so frequently to her in my head and heart . . . her imagined presence those imagined conversations still go on continuing forever . . . at least in my forever . . .
And the should haves could haves what ifs. . . and I know the hardest to accept is my very flawed humanity . . . the times when I cannot distinguish between self-preservation and pure selfishness . . . between failure to understand or choosing to ignore. Accepting . . .
And you are right . . . tiny points of loss . . . constellations and whirling planets reeling in the night sky hiding behind the sun . . . if you if I are the abandoners we grasp some control of things far beyond our shaping . . . make choices out of cold clay where no choice is possible . . . provide ourselves with the means to survive to continue . . .
stars
loss
grief
the beauty of remembrance
the sharp stab of what if/should have
seeking balance
finding acceptance
honouring
you know you are not alone, others walk past the empty corners in each day that she has left, and I learn, and I seek to love better . . .
and I know how much she loved and respected you.
Dream well.
Post a Comment
<< Home