Should have's

Tiny points of loss begining to surface. Moments in the day not remembered later on. What thought, or smell, or sound, or sentence triggered the thought of loss...what was the thought about...all that is remeberd is that they were about her, and the sense of loss is rembered to.
They are not heavy points, these moment of loss, just small, scattered through out the day, lasting only a few seconds before life continues on. Only a few seconds of actually feeling loss, and then back too the knowledge that all is right with my world.
My only question...will these tiny points become brighter, larger in my life. Or will they continue on this way, small upstirings from my inner self somewhere. I have this feeling that grief is an instinctual response of the psyche, like breathing is of the body. Grief will fade (has faded), but those little moments of loss, they will last a lifetime. Part of being human.
Other thoughts, stranger and darker, surfacing in hidden ways, night time stirrings of deep feelings. Feelings of abandonment. But for me, not of having been abandoned, but of being the abandoner. Not doing enough, not being there enough, not doing all I could. Not to save her, but to be there for her. Remeberances of being frusterated, should have been understanding, should have set myself aside and just been there. Should have snuggled with her more, near the end. Should have held her...held her here. Unfair to think that. Many "should have's" coming to the surface. I don't quite know what to do with them. Yes, silly, I know, but still real, no less potent simply because they are not true. I know I did enough, I know I held her enough. My heart dosn't know it yet. How to make my heart understand, not something the heart does easily. How to let these "should have's" come, to expereince them, to let them go. Dreams bring them here, from those secret places within me, but dreams can not help me to release these gulity thoughts. I am glad that I am dreaming about her...

Who am I???

Ever googled your name???
Here is what I am acording to Google...

~A member of the editorial staff at the Stanford Daily, a daily paper from (you guessed it) Stanford University
~An extreme skier from Vancouver (competeing in the Big Mountain Extreme Tour at Bridger Bowl in Montana), who has also won 3rd place in the Mountain Extreme Competition in Colorado.
~A speaker at the "Reclaiming Our Common Knowledge" Conference of 2005 (hey, this is actually me, check it out... http://www.globalbirth.org/conference.htm)
~A member of the El Cap Girls Polo Alumni Registery (who lives in SanFran)
~The board director for the Athletic Chair for the York University Student Associations.
~A jounior volley ball player in New Jersey
~A gold winning Taekwon-do fighter in New Zealand, who has been to many competitions.
~A web designer

Moral of the story...there are way to many Brianas'/Bries' who are into sports, what's going on....

Self Imposed Lonliness

Feeling lonely today, there are so many things I need to do in my life right now, and all of them must be done alone. This is not out some silly self sacrifce thingy, nobody eles can do them for me (like get a mortgage, yucky). I am also sitting alone at home tonight, having told everyone in my life that I needed sometime weekend time to recopoerate from my life...and here I am feeling lonely. Self imposed self-reflection today...
I am missing my mom today. I dreamt of her last night. She was at the house on P, and she was in her coma and there was no one there to look after her. It was snowing. I kept trying to get there to look after her and I couldn't. All day I have kept thinking about snuggling with her in the hospital/hospice in her hospital bed. I think I am missing the physicality of her, more than her. I went downstairs today (somewhere I have been avoiding while keeping that a secret from myself ) and acosted her big, fluffy, terribly yellow, bath robe. It smelled like her. I cried, which was good, I needed that. I havn't cried in awhile. No fucking time. I am pre-menstrual and feeling like stuff is coming to the surface. Not bad stuff, just stuff. I am feeling way more open to myself.
Ohh well, onto feeling lonley again...my shoulders hurt from sitting in front of the computer, there is no-one to phone who wants to talk to me right now and I miss my husband (such a silly thing really, this sudden intense comfort I take in him) Perhaps I will go to bed, but that will only bring about the inevetibility of everything that needs doing...sigh...

Strange Personality Trait #248

Listening to hard core rap on a daily basis give me a strange compulsion to wear lip gloss...