It was cool

Ok, I finished it. It was cool. I was skeptical at first, then bored, but then I got to the end. Like I said, it was cool. Now I am just T-O'ed that I have to wait 2 to 3 years before I can keep reading. It really is totally unfair. At least I have the movie to look forward to, hopefully it will be cool, unlike the last one...

The Loonie Bird (aka those big chickens)

Incidentally, this is the man I love!

Obsessive compulsive pie anyone?

I just want to know one thing today....
Why can't I stop picking off the tiny little scab on my knee before it has healed. I mean, for the love of god, it's been almost a month...STOP PICKING!!!

OH MY GOD

IT'S HERE!!!

synchronous happenings

a story heard today about dancing and crying to beautiful music in the sun...
messages of sadness and shock in my in-box when i got home
so many people who love her (i don't believe in past tense)
trail of links later...
a familiar voice from the past, one i have not hear before
a little part of you in me
this is a such a lonely wave to ride on, such a lonely company
returned later to the story of a friend crying to the music, of releasing
lyric from a song experienced by the friend ~ "there are 6 billion people on this earth and you couldn't find one person to help you"
for those who got to that place and made the choice to leave
yes, she did get herself free...

The journey of Harry

So, Harry Potter apears to be sitting in a sortation plant (their words, not mine) in Mississauga. According to the website he has been there since Sunday, which dosn't make sense since I thought that Canada Post dosn't work on sundays. I don't really know what he has been doing these past two days, or why he continues to sit at a sortation plant when he could be on his merry way across the country to my door. I am thinking that perhaps he is no longer at the sortation plant in Mississauga. Perhaps he is already somewhere in a truck. Maybe he has made it as far as the prairies. I won't know where he is untill he reaches a Vancouver sortation plant, when they log him into a computer. Though it dose seem ironic that he was created here on this very island, only to be shipped to Ontario to the den of the evil Amazon, to be shipped back to this island again.
God speed Harry Potter, on your long journey to my door. Soon we will be united and there will be a whole 24 hours where you new smelling, tree free paper will not leave my hands.

Why

Why, why, WHY, does the digital camera have to run out of batteries EVERY single time you want to take an awesome picture of your self wearing something cool (a new pair of sunglasses or a hat with ears are two that come to mind). It is so unfair. You know, that AND the fact that Harry Potter has yet to make an apearance in my mailbox. Curse you Amazon, and you too Canada Post. CURSE YOU!!!

Summer

Sitting today, high amoung the leaves of the pussy willow, in silence. The sun streaming through the green. The hint of a shimmer off the sea. My bare feet upon tough driftwood some distant person has nailed to this old tree. People pass by us by mere feet, not knowing we lurk amoung the ivy. The road is only feet away but it feels like I am miles away from anything, we could be on a deserted island. The brezze off the water brings strange thoughts, the slight whisper of the leaves telling me their stories. Discussion of small things, like the true identity of the tree in which we sit, when deeper meaning runs through everything. Summer is here...

Only 31 days left..

till I am OUTTA here. There was some strange man with a clipboard and a measuring tape wandering around outside the house. M. drove by like three time because he didn't want to talk to him, while I'm inside watching a movie. The clipboard guy asked my cousin if he knew where F. was, and he said he didn't know who F. was. LOL. I should start calling him Fred, I bet you he hates that. I realized the other day that I don't know Freds last name, I have no contact number for him should something go terribly wrong with the house. And I am wondering if that is the responsibility of a landlord, cause it certainly ain't my responsibility to have to track down that information. It's ridiculus really. Ahhh..soon I will live in a home without carpets. It's the little things.

Important Stuff

Here we are, another morning. Facing another two days with important stuff to attend too. Important stuff that we don't want to face. The recent rest without any important stuff to do was nice, helps me to avoid avoidance of said important stuff today (though here I am posting on my blog instead of attending to all that important stuff) My astrological forecast for saturady says that I should get any important stuff done before then, because saturday is not a good day to have important stuff due. Today I have a conversation I don't want to have, but I must feel strong and full of conviction in my needs right now. Away with guilt, away. Tomarrow is tax day. Property tax payment (must go searching today to find out where, when, how, etc) and I get to go and argue with the income tax people for the millionth time about gst credits and social insurance numbers.
I guess the thing that makes all this important stuff easier is that they are all my choice. I am chossing to have the conversation I don't want to have. I am chossing to go and argue with tax officials (I could just as easily ignore them, but they keep sending me mail about how I owe them money that I don't really owe them). I am chossing to pay my property tax (though to be honest this one dosn't feel so much like a choice, due to the fact that if I don't pay they charge me interest and eventually give my house to the bank)
Feeling only mildly avoidant today...on to the important stuff.

Music

The Postal Service (especially Such Great Heights and The District Sleeps Tonight) will forever remind me of this time in my life, particularly of my favorite weekend room mate... perhaps others to add to the list would be Black Eyed Peas (who will always remind me of a certain tall, black haired, green eyed man who happens to also sometimes sleep in my bed), old style Gwen, and K-os (especially him trying to be the man he used to be)...throw in there a little Sinatra, Fitzgerald, and one (yes, only one) Perry Como and you've got the audial experience for my summer... (is audial even a word??? well you get the idea...)

If your head...

was made of dynamite you wouldn't be able to blow your nose...

41 days...

The continuing saga of the certified asshole of a landlord...
Came home today to discover that the idiot next door has put awnings over my front two windows. I am sure it goes with the theme of the building and all, and normally I wouldn't object to some good ole' fashioned awnings. Except it's difficult to like these awnings, especially when you considered that they descend half way down my front windows. I can not see any sky at all, I can barley see the store across the street. All I can see is lovely concrete road. Very little sunlight actually manages to make into my two front rooms now, due to the monstrous awnings. Oh...and they are black. Even better.
Thank the Goddess that I only have 41 more days with this idiot for a landlord...

Only one question for today...

How the hell does one lose three whole boxes full of crap in a house??? When the messy room at the end of the hall where only the cats go has been a little less crowded for a few weeks. Only today did I notice that the three boxes of crap from my bedroom are no longer there.
Where did they go?
Did you move them?
No, I didn't move them, did you?
No!! Where did they go?
I don't know...are they in the hallway?
No, those are all of mom's books?
What about the boxes in the living room?
NO, those are my boxes of books.
Well then you moved them to the basement.
I didn't move them, they are NOT in the basement.
Well I don't know where they are.

And speaking of a less crowded back room, where the hell is my vacum cleaner???
GOD DAMN IT!!!! (secretly wishing that I was Harry Potter, so that I could just wave my wand and get ride of all the crap that I don't really need, then perhaps I would be able to find my three boxes of bedroom crap that contain a book I am desperatly looking for)

Apathy is NOT ok

OK, today apathy is NOT ok. I feel like I am drowning (as in going to die, perish, cease to breath due to large amounts of water) and all I can do is sit here and do nothing about it. I want to take myself by the shoulders, shake myself really really hard and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!"
All I can do is go to work, watch tv, and lay in bed. Whenever the thoughts begin to surface of all the deadlines that are fast approaching (school deadlines, money deadlines, moving deadlines) I catch a tiny glimpse of this place, deep within me, where I have buried myself deep in a closet and I can't stop screaming. Man is it easier to just not care about anything than to look into that place. Having had this particular place actually manifest itself into my reality before, I am really not eager to go there again.
But here, we have a dilemma. If I continue to be numb to my ever growing anxiety about life, my life as we all know it will eventually crash and burn (and the way things are going at the moment this is likely to occur sooner than later). But how to actually make anything happen, get anything done, without becoming that terrified little girl in the closet.
There are a couple of problems at the moment that I see...
#1 Nobody knows that I feel this way. I am the master at hiding behind a semi-cheerfull face the never ending screaming that goes on in my head when I am in full tilt anxiety mode (I am so good at this that I have now learned to hide it even from myself, see aforementioned numbness)
#2 I suck at asking for help. Most of the time I don't even know what kind of help to ask for. I am the kind of person who probably believes (cause most of the time I don't want to admit that I believe this) that if you want something done you do it yourself (notice I didn't even put in the done right part) So often I feel that if I can't get it done, there is no point in asking other people because it can't be done. A defeatist attitude I know, but it's what I am currently stuck with.
#3 I don't know how to prioritize. This is mainly due to the fact that I feel all my current problems are ALL priorities. Which of course defeats the whole purpose of prioritizing, because they MUST come in some type of order. I just don't know where to put what. Money, school, move. School, move, money. Move, money, school. ????? I kinda feel right now that ONE of them has to go. Now the move can't be put off, so obviously it is a priority. I guess money and school can be put off, but again this would involve resolving my issues with problem #2.
#4 I am having serious issue with the idea that everything really will be OK. Normally I am really good at this, the whole trust in the universe stuff. I don't what it is about right now, but I just can't believe that I will be ok. Enter anxiety, enter little screaming girl in a closet (who also has issues telling people how she really feels, asking for help, and an inability to prioritize). See, isn't she totally fucked, or what???
Gosh, least I still have my sense of humor.

Blast of Past

OK, I just found ALL the love letters that M and I wrote each other during our first year together. We had thought these lost forever. I remeber going looking for them a few years ago and not being able to find them. I went into one of my folders in my e-mail and BANG, there they were, all 105 of them. I would SWEAR that they were not there when I went looking last time...man...creepy (oh yeah, the cats finaly came out of the bathroom)

Oh my little fur kids

My cats are hiding deep in the bathroom after having discovered that they are both absolutely petrified of bubbles.... mommy told them that she will stop blowing bubbles in their presence, but they won't come out.