Darkness

Oh dark Goddess's of death and destruction, attend to me, hear my cry. I feel like I am becoming an avenging power, flying through my life, at the edge of cutting away all the is no longer needed. It's spring and all I see is the death inherent all around me, the brown at the edge of a bright flower petal, the death of the cold and dark nights, grass that has all ready begun to fade. It is truly glorious.
I did a meditation yesterday where I breathed in darkness and breathed out light. Brough the darkness inside of me. Interestingly enough the mediation wasn't my idea, but someone eles. It gave me permission to be where I am right now. At the beginging of the meditation my first though was that I was already full of darkness.
This is a very empowering place to be at. Again, another aspect of death that I am finding our culture ignores. I feel as though the culture wants me to be overwhelmed and afriad and to tired to go on with life. By becoming the darkness, by imersing myself in death I empower myself. I can not move beyond something untill I have really moved THROUGH it. It is giving me power and strength to embrace this, no cowering in closets to afraid to attend to daily life for me anymore. If it dosn't serve me, I will cut it away. I am embodying destruction for awhile.
I am also having this overwhelming urge to put a physical evidence of my pain on the outside where everyone can see it. For awhile, in my fear state, this came out during hysterical ravings, scratching and various bangings of body parts. My dark goddess's have sent me another idea. One which others will recognize, aknowledge, and not fear. I am hoping that the water's of life will help to priestess me while transitioning my pain to the outside, to my physical form. The only question is which symbol shall ebody it???

Ohhh, and I am watching Buffy again...

What to do, where to go,
There is so much we do not know.
How to say what I feel,
It is so hard to be real.
Never saying, never speaking,
Tiny person inside me peaking,
Around the curtain, out the window,
Never saying the things I do know.
Always scared of no one listening,
perhaps all people are not caring
What the tiny one has to say
Maybe someday she'll be OK

To Do's for good life

I'm just bored. I've watched to much Buffy(can it really be possible?) and I feel like I need to run screaming from my television (except that it is right beside me) Can't turn it off though, got Finding Nemo running with out the sound on. My life seems messy, yet I can't turn off my television. Evil modern culture.
I found this huge nest of kniting needles and I am having a very strong urge to want to learn again and make copious amounts of really long scarves(you know, cause summer is coming). AND I have the needles to make LEG WARMERS!!! Oh my, the possiblites. I also have large amounts of wool, left over from 53 years of a certain woman collecting interesting wool and then leaving it in bags or trunks to be pulled out and fondled once a year. See and this is something I can do to feel productive while watching TV. Now I just need to remeber how to knit...hummm!!!
I feel like my life if rushing forward, and I don't really feel like following it. I want to move forth, clean my house, go outside, do school work, read interesting books, journal, meditate, knit, do things with friends...but all of it requires effort and a certain progression of events. For instance...I really want to smudge my house, clear out illness and renew energies. But it dosn't feel right to smudge to spiritually clear/clean until the house is physically clean/clear. I really want to spend some time alone meditating and journaling and generally spending some good ole time with the coolest person here...me. But every time I go into my room I get extremely anxious and itchy, it is just so NOT feng sui in there right now, definatly not conductive to calming activities. I really want to spend more time with my good friends (and quality, not watching Buffy time, with my man) but I can't do that until I spend time alone.
So, order of business...
#1 Clean entire house...ok wait...when??? ok we'll deal with that snag later(why do we have to have jobs?...stupid jobs!
#Smudge/clear entire house and self
#2 Spend some good time with moi, meditating, reading, journaling, crying, you know NOT watching TV
#3Spend time with good friends who support me and don't drain me and are just down right the most wonderful people ever (you know who you are)
#4 Definatly learn how to knit again and make way to many scarves and leg warmers
That seems like a good list, perhaps I shall throw my brand new television away...wait, OK whoa!!! Can do list, still own television, for other times of woe later in life. Wow, that was close...

Memorial Plannings

Spent all day today looking for a very small glass vial, filled with wonderful smelling black powder, envoking Hecate. Covered in dust, shoes covered in crushed glass, large bleeding wound staining my jean leg, and several hours later...no smelly black powder. Lots of pictures from my childhood; snig and arse-cheap european assasains; smiling happy photos of my parents with me as small child; tiny blonde shining face pearing from white porcaline bathtub.
Talk of memorial gathering today...who to speak, what to say, who knows. Ferry times are ridiculus for getting to the island, especialy for people flying from far away. Hours and hours to wait before the actual event. M wants to go disk golfing. It's so silly and inane I might just do it.
Took my mother out of her plastic bag the other day. It felt like she had finaly come home. Started reading about death in my pagan kid books, it made me feel better. A combination of death, pagan kid books, and witchy Willow are making me want to be pagany all of the sudden. Incantations, tools/toys, costumes...all creativly leading me towards a more spiritual path. Wishing my life was more deep. I read my mom's writings and I can barley follow them, they are so in depth and existential. Feel sometimes like my life is all about sleeping, "can i help you?'s", and chocolate ice cream. Not fullfilling much. More living is needed here.

Avoidant Ramblings

truly feeling the need to put something of what I am feeling down onto cyber paper...flow of conciousness so much faster than with ink and dead trees.
today is a down day, and not one of those down days where I am running along with being down, more fighting and feeling guilty about all the other things I should be doing. Instead I am watching episode after epsiode after episode of Buffy, and now I have run out...i don't know what to do. I've watched all the special features...don't really want to watch them all again...seems pointless really.
Things we are avoiding today...
-phoning the priestly people, come back from the jungle of Nicaragua today...about the funeral
-cleaning my ohh soo chaotic house (i cling to my ohh soo clean living room instead, cause it has the TV, with all the Buffy)
-phoning the eastern realatives, to thank them, for sorry's and sympathies, ohh and for the flowers
-thinking/talking/dealing with money...just not even going to go there right now
-doing some type, any type of school work...so I have something to hand in next weekend
-going through boxes of things that wern't but now are mine

-thinking about my mother...who is gone, dead, nothing but some ashes in a thick plastic bag stuffed inside a really expensive urn...

How did she suddenly become my mother. She used to never be my mother. She was always mommy, ocasionally mom(when I'm talking about her to someone eles). Now she is my mother. It seems so much more somber and important and grown up to say mother.
Though I am quite enjoying that I continue to tell stories of her like she was still here. My mom dose this, my mom likes that. NOT my mom did that, or liked this. Cause I am sure that where ever she is she still likes carpets, and still plays the guitar. I hope that dosn't ever change, I hope she never passes into the land of past tense for me. It would feel like she really wans't here anymore, or any where near me.

At least feeling avoidant feels familar. I know how to be avoidant, I'm really good at it. I am not sure I know how to feel grief striken, never really done that before. So we will just live in avoidant land for awhile. Not ready to go back to real life just quite yet...not today at least. Definatly in need of some more Buffster...